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Summer's already here?

I seriously need a popup that says "Post a blog today!" to remind me to come here more often. So much happens so quickly these days in my life that I barely have time to check email, let alone set down and write a journal. I keep a private diary on my computer but no eyes will ever see that one until I leave it to my kids when I'm on my deathbed (or I think they're old enough to handle some hard truths about the past).
So let's start with romance. J and I didn't exactly work out, and the blame for that lies squarely on my shoulders. I realized a year into the relationship that I wasn't ready to commit to another long-term relationship, and that I moved too soon after George's death. My fear of being alone overrode any common sense I had at the time, and I ended up hurting people over it. We're in a "roommate" situation righ now while he makes the decision whether to move back to his home state or hang around here. I find myself wishing I could afford a larger house and us just share the bills, and have companionship for both of us until we meet "The Right One" in our lives, if ever. I don't see myself remarrying, honestly. I'm quite comfortable, at least for the moment, having no one to answer to but myself (and my kids), going where I please, when I please. My heart just can't take anymore heartache, so I don't see myself falling in love for a very long time, if ever.

Ry continues to give us heartache as he struggles with the onset of puberty. I am filling out an application for a boy's ranch some 3 hours from me, because I simply can't handle his meltdowns and behavior. I've had him placed in a psychiatric hospital twice since the beginning of the year, and to be honest, it's getting old. For the longest time, I felt like I was a bad mother because I couldn't "take care of my own" and deal with his problems privately, like I was raised to do. But it took a lot of counseling to realize that it's not me, it's just the situation. I've been to a lot of seminars, focus groups and workshops about dealing with the ups and downs of parenting an autistic child, but nothing I've tried seems to work with him. In no way does this mean I'm "giving up" on my child, I'm just finally realizing that there are professionals out there that can provide the level of help and care above what I can do. The stress from this decision has been immense.

My mother had open heart surgery Thursday the 8th, and seems to be doing quite well. She gave us quite a scare, and we realized she might've had a light heart attack. Seeing her in ICU after surgery was a huge wakeup call to me, as for most of my life I've followed in her health footsteps, and I don't want to end up like her. I smoke, she smoked (until her hospitalization), I'm overweight, she's overweight, I have swelling in my legs (edema), she has the same thing and has had for many years. She and I have both had lifetime issues with anxiety and panic attacks. The list goes on and on. My sister in law, for all of her quirks, and despite my personal feelings towards her behavior in the past, has really turned out to be my biggest motivator in finally deciding to change my lifestyle for the better. She's getting me involved in something called "Fitness for Life", which as far as I know right now, involves a lot of water exercising, yoga, nautilus, and the like. I'm nervous, but excited to see how things could turn out. My doctor put me on blood pressure (again, just like my mother) and to see if I could get some of the extra fluid off my body. I'm hoping to see a marked difference in a few weeks after starting this. I'm totally unhappy with my body and it's time to do something about it.

I gave up my dreams of ever becoming a working EMT. I almost had the last job, but I failed the oral clinical interview by 3 questions, as I freeze up on oral exams. Ik knew the information, but I froze when I was "tested" on it on the fly. So now I'm back in school for an Associate's Degree in Medical Billing & Coding. I graduate in August. 2 more sessions and I'm done. I'm a bit uncertain about my future, but I know that God will guide me to where I'm supposed to be in life. I'm just taking a bit more time to get there than others I know ;)

School is almost out for the kids, and in a way I'm relieved too as I get to sleep in a bit later each morning. It will also give me the summer to evaluate where we're going with Ryan's placement in a residential facility and make accomodations for that. I'm looking forward to a much more relaxed summer than I've had for the first half of this year!

I suppose I will post more later, and I'm vowing to stay more active here. I'm on several Guide teams on Everquest now, and I've added World of Warcraft to my repertoire of timesinks as well. But they're great stress relievers and a way to escape the stresses of the day for a little while.

Hope everyone who reads this has a great week :)

Comments

Anonymous said…
uhmm. I can't say I know what it feels like to lose your husband, but I think it would be kind of sad to withhold yourself from ever falling in-love again. I don't think life has much to offer besides love and well, you really do deserve some happiness in life.

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